Unveiling Manipulation: Recognizing, Understanding, and Defending Against It
In our interconnected world, the rise of manipulation is a growing concern. Recognizing the signs and understanding the tactics employed by manipulators are essential for safeguarding ourselves and maintaining healthy relationships. In this post, we'll delve into the concept of manipulation, its underlying motives, its impact on mental health, and practical strategies to deal with manipulative behavior.
What is Manipulation?
Manipulation is coercive or unethical behavior driven by the goal of exploiting or controlling another person for personal gain. As Dr. George Simon emphasizes, "If someone can manipulate you, they can control your thoughts and behavior."
It is important to be aware of the signs of manipulation so that you can protect yourself, and others, from this type of exploitation.
Why do People Engage in Manipulation?
Control and Safety:
Some individuals are drawn to manipulation due to a desire for control. For them, steering situations and relationships offers a sense of empowerment and fulfillment, providing a perceived safety net in an unpredictable world. The pursuit of control might stem from various life experiences, shaping their inclination towards manipulation.
Low Self-esteem:
Manipulation can serve as a coping mechanism for those grappling with low self-confidence or self-esteem. Individuals may resort to manipulation as a way to navigate challenges and secure their needs, particularly when they feel uncertain about their abilities to achieve goals through conventional means.
Ego:
Narcissistic individuals may gravitate towards manipulation to satisfy their need for acknowledgment and admiration. Driven by a belief in their own capabilities, they may utilize manipulation as a means of showcasing their perceived superiority, often unintentionally affecting those around them.
Personal Gain:
Manipulation is sometimes employed by individuals seeking personal benefits, such as acquiring resources, recognition, or attention. The focus on personal gain can be a learned behavior shaped by various influences, leading them to prioritize their objectives over considering the feelings of others.
Avoidance:
For some, manipulation becomes a way to sidestep accountability for their actions. It acts as a defense mechanism, allowing individuals to deflect attention from their own perceived shortcomings or avoid confronting the consequences of their behavior.
Understanding these underlying motives provides insights into the nuanced reasons behind manipulation. Factors such as personal experiences, coping mechanisms, mental health, and disability can contribute to the complexity of this behavior. Approaching the subject with empathy and recognizing the diverse influences on individuals engaging in manipulative behavior can open the door to constructive conversations and promote healthier interactions.
Manipulation and Mental Health
While most people engage in manipulation from time to time, a chronic pattern of manipulation can indicate an underlying mental health concern.
Manipulation is particularly common with personality disorder diagnoses such as borderline personality (BPD) and narcissistic personality (NPD). For many with BPD, manipulation may be a means of meeting their emotional needs or obtaining validation, and it often occurs when the person with BPD feels insecure or abandoned. As many people with BPD have witnessed or experienced abuse, manipulation may have developed as a coping mechanism to get needs met indirectly.
Individuals with narcissistic personality (NPD) may have different reasons for engaging in manipulative behaviour. As those with NPD may have difficulty forming close relationships, they may resort to manipulation in order to “keep” their partner in the relationship. Characteristics of narcissistic manipulation may include shaming, blaming, playing the “victim,” control issues, and gaslighting.
Why Are We Vulnerable?
As human beings we are “hardwired” to be social, to attempt to belong, because we know deep down that survival is more likely if we are part of the tribe — and if the tribe values us. So, gaining approval of the “tribe” seems tantamount to survival. Beyond that, some people have chronically low self-reliance, an external locus of control, emotional dependency, or loneliness, which exacerbate the built-in programming to try to belong.
Most of us did not have perfect parenting or perfect childhoods. In addition, many have survived various sorts of trauma. Thus, we currently “carry” these past experiences as what some call our “baggage”: the leftover psychological effects of childhood wounding, which have covered our psychological bodies with “hot [easily ‘pushed’] buttons.” These include our hardwired need to belong, the desire to please, lack of assertiveness, fear of confrontation, low self-confidence, naiveté, immaturity, and/or an unclear sense of identity (Psychologia, 2019; Dawson, 2018).
Common Manipulation Tactics
Manipulators are often intelligent, and they’re good at using subtle aggression to get what they want. They may also be highly skilled at deception, which can make it difficult to spot their behavior in the first place. Some of the tacticsa to be aware of include:
Coercive persuasion: Manipulative people may use bribery or offer other rewards or inducements to get what they want. And They may also bully people. This can look like making threats, challenges, and requests, and it can be verbal, emotional, or physical.
Conditioning: Manipulators might "condition" someone into forming a relationship with them by using flattery, intimacy, or sympathy, so that they get what they want in the future.
Misusing authority: They may use hierarchies or power structures to undermine the position of those they want to control.
Fraud: Manipulators may lie to people, con them, or exploit their trust.
Conflict: They may create conflict by pitting people against one another. They often use existing weaknesses or conflicts within a group.
Importantly, individuals engaging in manipulative behaviors may not always be fully conscious of their actions, as manipulation can become ingrained in their communication patterns.
This lack of awareness on their part adds another layer of complexity to recognizing and addressing manipulative tendencies. Understanding that manipulation may, at times, be unintentional underscores the need for empathy and open communication when navigating such situations.
Common Manipulative Behaviors
Lying by omission: Manipulators may hide a significant portion of the truth.
Diversion: They may change the subject abruptly to avoid discussing topics or answering questions.
Denial: Manipulators may deny that they have done anything wrong when they are confronted.
Rationalization: They will attempt to justify or explain their behaviour.
Minimization: This is a subtle blend of denial and rationalization. Manipulators often play down others' concerns about their behaviour or actions.
Guilt: Manipulators might try to "guilt-trip" people into doing what they want. Guilt tactics can be passive, such as using body language or vocal tone, or overt, for example by saying things to make people feel bad.
Shaming: Manipulators might use sarcasm or put-downs to increase their power over their victims.
Playing the victim: They might try to make others feel sympathy or compassion for them, so that they can get what they want. [3]
How to Deal with Manipulation
Being a victim of manipulation is often upsetting and emotionally draining, especially if it happens repeatedly. Use these five strategies to stop being manipulated:
1. Identify Your Weaknesses
Manipulators are often highly skilled at "reading" people. They look for specific weaknesses that they can exploit.
Dr George Simon identified the following character traits that can make it easier for you to be manipulated:
You have a strong desire to please others, without taking your own needs into account.
You don't believe that others would manipulate you, or do you harm, on purpose.
You find reasons to excuse people's poor behaviour.
You have low self-confidence and self-esteem.
You are emotionally dependent on others.
Consider whether you have any of these traits. Then think about what you could do to deal with them. For instance, you could build your confidence and develop an internal locus of control, so that you have more belief in your ability to control what happens in your life.
2. Spot Potential Manipulators
It's important to identify people who have manipulative tendencies. Awareness is the first step toward avoiding manipulation.
Look out for the behaviours we highlighted above, and also keep an eye out for people who:
Want to have their own way, all the time.
Won't take no for an answer.
Will stop at nothing to succeed.
Make excuses for hurtful or damaging behaviour.
Frequently make you feel guilty.
Act differently with different people, putting on a "face" to serve an immediate purpose.
While you might not be able to avoid these people entirely, you can be on your guard when you're with them.
Also, take time to listen to possible manipulators and watch how they behave. You can learn their tactics when you pay attention to what they say and do – as well as what they don't say and do. When you understand the weapons and strategies they use, you're better able to sidestep them, laugh them off, or confront them.
3. Be Assertive
When you suspect that someone is trying to manipulate you, be assertive – this means that you stand up for your own interests, while still respecting his or her needs.
First, recognize how the other person views the situation. Then, express your needs directly – you'll project strength and confidence when you're specific about what you want.
Be direct and persistent, and use "I" statements to avoid generalities and accusations. For instance, you could say, "I would feel taken advantage of if I did that" instead of, "You're taking advantage of me!"
Manipulators will often change the subject or use other avoidance tactics when you confront them. For example, if you turn down a request, they might suggest a meeting to discuss it again later.
4. Identify and Set Personal Limits
Think about what types of behaviour you will and won't tolerate from other people. Setting boundaries like this enables you to offer assistance when they need it, but not allow them to take advantage of you.
Consider how others have manipulated you in the past and what they ultimately wanted from you. Will you tolerate any of these behaviours again, or do you want to "draw a line in the sand"?
It can be useful to keep a journal of your thoughts as you go through this process. Writing down the boundaries that you're comfortable with will help you think about the situation clearly, strengthen your boundaries in your mind, and provide a healthy outlet for your feelings.
5. Stay Focused
When you stand up for yourself, manipulators might use evasive or diversionary tactics to confuse you, weaken your resolve, or throw you off-track.
Don't let them distract or sidetrack you. Stay focused on the issue that you want to address.
Client Manipulation in Peer Support
Understanding manipulation in peer support involves approaching the client with empathy, and recognizing the diverse influences on individuals engaging in manipulative behavior, which can open the door to constructive conversations and promote healthier interactions.
Some of the ways clients may try to manipulate suppport staff include:
Do not tell the whole story, keeping parts to themselves to disadvantage the victim.
Deny that the thing they are accused of ever happened.
Behave “two-faced”, saying one thing today and the opposite tomorrow.
Minimise (playing down their own actions as not important or not damaging)
Induce guilt (e.g., “You don’t care about me. If you did, you would”; “You’re selfish for _”)
Use over-the-top aggression, including shouting, anger, threats of intimidation or shaming, and aggressive non-verbal communication (physical violence could occur here, too, but we are mainly talking about psychological manipulation rather than physical coercion)
Flatter, praise, or give intense attention to the victim, even buying expensive presents, until the victim lets down his or her guard.
Play the innocent victim, which helps them to gain sympathy and compassion from those around them (we are drawn as human beings to helping suffering others)
Play dumb, feigning ignorance of what the victim is asking in order to avoid complying.
Divert the conversation away from what the manipulator did so that the victim will “forget” the hurtful act.
By understanding manipulation and implementing proactive strategies, we empower ourselves to navigate relationships more effectively and protect our well-being. Staying informed, being vigilant, and foster healthy connections helps everyone in both their personal and professional spheres.
References
AIPC. (2019). Manipulation: Recognising and responding to it. Retrieved from https://www.counsellingconnection.com/index.php/2019/06/28/manipulation-recognising-and-responding-to-it/
Dealing with manipulative people. Retrieved from the MindTools website: https://www.mindtools.com/axtfdfb/dealing-with-manipulative-people
How to spot manipulation tactics. Retrieved from the PsychCentral website: https://psychcentral.com/lib/tactics-manipulators-use-to-win-and-confuse-you
Manipulation. (2024, January 23). Retrieved from the GoodTherapy website: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/manipulation